You may think it strange to say MY PERSONAL TESTIMONY is not about "me"! My testimony is a tribute of thanksgiving to a faithful and loving God who never gave up on me. My testimony bears witness to a changed life when one whole-heartedly turns from sin (and its destruction), and turns to Holy God. As for my spiritual life, I regretfully wasted 3 decades erroneously thinking I had to be the best "me" I could be. Deep within, I was confused and worn out from attempting to do "my best" (with human strength and human wisdom). Trying to "be the good and kind little Christian girl" wasn't so bad when everything was easy-going, but when faced with adversity, my heart felt like a loose kite battered by a raging whirlwind.
I repented of my sins and asked Jesus to be the LORD of my life at age eleven. I was a child; reasoning like a child; with selfish ambitions. I didn't understand, but I believed as best I could that Jesus loved me and gave His perfect life by dying on the cross of Calvary to pay my sin-debt. I believed He was resurrected and reunited with the Father, in heaven. Looking back now, my motive to be saved was self-centered; you see, it was all about "me" - I didn't want to go to hell when I die. The bible contained some rules I tried to keep (legalistically) though I hadn't a clue of what legalism meant. The more I tried to understand God, the further away He seemed.
In addition to the bible being foreign (hard to understand) I was unaware of the gift and purpose of God's Holy Spirit. 3 decades later, the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit came to open the blinded eyes of my heart to wake me up from all my foolish ways and wrong thinking! My life-altering revelation came by way of Pastor Larry Harmon's series, "The Purpose of the Holy Spirit". I FINALLY GOT IT when he said, "A very part of God comes to dwell within the heart of every believer at the moment of salvation."
My confusion stemmed from thinking the Holy Ghost (KJV) was like an angel, out there somewhere watching over me. Just look at how Satan used all those seemingly fascinating ghost stories to keep me confused, and to keep me from God's best. I believe the decades of grieving of the Holy Spirit within me contributed to my spiritual, physical and emotional state back then. God is not a God of confusion, deception, legalism, manipulation, misery, negativity, pride or unrighteous anger. Those are all traits (weapons) of the enemy, Satan. God is a merciful, loving and forgiving Father who loves unconditionally. Scripture blows my mind when I try to fathom how God not only loves, but HE IS LOVE!
In the hands of my Potter, He lovingly picked up the ugly broken blob of my past. He pressed in and worked out all my impurities, making me a new creation. He healed my brokenness but left the scars to reflect His Son by way of His Holy Spirit. He formed in me a holy passion to learn, love and live for His glory.
Do you know Him, friend? Have you heard that the Holy Spirit comes to take up residence of the heart of every believer. He supernaturally comes and cleans up our messy lives from the inside out. Jesus transforms our mess into a message to share with others. Since I didn't understand the truth about the Holy Spirit, my personal one-on-one relationship suffered with my Father. He patiently waited 30 years, like the father of the prodigal, to welcome me back with open arms. His transforming power teaches us, stirs us, motivates us, energizes us, convicts us, and directs our choices from God's perspective. I've not been the same since He made Himself known to me! I share these intimate details to encourage you if you are struggling in some way that is far from what God has for you. I strongly suggest you give your burdens, confusion, anger, unforgiveness, or whatever you're battling with, to God. He promises that IF you give Him access to every room of your heart (all of you) THEN He will fulfill your hearts desire. Every promise in His Word is waiting for you to claim and live out. He longs to deliver you from your past, but you must make the first move. Surrender your will to His Will, beloved. Repent and be restored into a right relationship with Jesus.
Romans 8: 9-11, "You are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit "IF" you have the Spirit of God living in you. (And remember that those who do not have the Spirit of Christ living in them are not Christians at all.) Since Christ lives within you, even though your body will die because of sin, the Spirit gives you life because you have been made right with God. The (same) Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you." My heart and emotions were a mess, until I came to understand this truth. Without the knowledge of the Holy Spirit within me, I didn't know Abba (my Heavenly Father) or His Son (Jesus Christ) personally, like a beloved friend. Now the Spirit controls me instead of my emotions, lack of spiritual wisdom, or Satan and his buddies.
Before ending my letter, I encourage you to read the scriptures about the hypocrisy of the Jewish Religious Leaders to see that Jesus despised their legalistic ways and lack of love for others. My attempt to living God's laws cannot compare to the freedom, joy and peace I encounter every day by His amazing and everlasting grace. Test your own heart by asking if the Fruit of the Spirit is evident in your own life. Are you living the abundant life that God gives to each of His kids? How do you respond to everyday situations, and in the midst of adversity? Do those who know you see love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control? This kind of serenity is only possible by way of an active relationship with the Lord God Almighty.